Sticking With Me March 30, 2010

In bed all alone
but not by myself
Evil spirits rise up
with cunning and stealth

The dark night hauls out
memories unbidden
to hold me tight for the ride
I have too many times ridden.

Hot tears rolling cold
into my ears
what I don’t want to see
and don’t want to hear

Stupid fucking tears
cried too many times
for too many years.

Stupid fucking hurt
I’d long since thought
was tapped into dirt

But you insist
on being my friend
sticking with me
until the end.

Like deep etched lines
on hands and face
miracle cures
cannot erase
the effects of the sun
or your hot embrace.

Mantras move my mouth
Despair can’t sink its teeth in
I am not a child.
I am not a victim.

I am powerful.
I am strong.
God help me be that
as I try to move along.

Deconstruction Zone March 15, 2010

Desolate.

Desperate as silent hulking machines
left to stare in shock and disbelief
at the destructive scene.

Massive piles of turned up earth
red and bloody
with roots exposed and shredded trunks
of mangled trees.

Unable to move, wondering
just what have they done
would it have turned out differently
if only someone
had been behind the wheel

Instead of me.

Bubbles March 9, 2010

My mind plays tricks on me
Taking clues from my heart
Breathing life into my hopes and dreams
Carefully wrapped shimmering works of art
Laughing merrily
Until it all falls apart.

Wide-eyes gazing upon the wonders
Miracles float and dance before me
Drawing close despite so many blunders
Deepest yearning for it truly to be.

No longer able to maintain poise
Squealing in delight and leaping for joy
Body now moving of its own accord
Hands unbidden gently touch, then greedily hoard.

Dizzily spinning every which way
Catching the ones within my reach
Pop, pop, pop and a fragrant spray
Too fragile, too fragile! Too late I preach.

I can’t have it, no matter what
Either it bursts or floats high above
With a shove and a kick another door slams shut
My mind hugs my heart, so sorry my love.

Then suddenly the truth in me dawns
It was an illusion all along.

When the Cards Stopped Coming February 11, 2010

I remember
When the cards stopped coming
And people no longer asked
How are you doing
With care and concern
Behind gentle eyes running

Everyone was already
Moving on
But I’m still reeling
I can’t believe you’re gone.

Like with new life
I counted the days
Then weeks and months
Now years pass away

No less painful
Just held at bay.
Afraid to let myself go there
Sure my strength will fray.

Alone I’ll be left
Wrapped snuggly in sorrow
No shoulders to cry on
Or carefree tomorrows.

Because everyone else
Has already moved on
But I’m still feeling
I can’t believe you’re gone.

I hear all the words
Spoken and not
Meant to console
But missing the spot.

No longer in pain
Not really gone
Memories to comfort
Life goes on.

With guilt and shame
I pretend its okay
In my dreams I’ll see you
Each night I pray.

The Beginning of Winter December 21, 2009

I open my eyes
And the first I see
Is the greyest sky
And black barren trees.

So cold and desolate
I wonder, desperate
Are they really just dormant
Life strong, deep inside?

Or actually dead
Empty and dry.

Unnamed December 21, 2009

I think about you all the time.
Can you feel it?
I wonder, do you wish I didn’t?

The pitiful part is
That would be better
Than what I sense is more true to the letter

I never even cross your mind.

In My Shower December 21, 2009

My favorite place to be,

a moment of peace and tranquility.

Daily ritual, somehow magical.
Since a child, I have stood beguiled.

In my shower.

Thoughts rain down from above.
Warm rivers course full of truth and love.
I strain and strive to soak it in
Until released with paper and pen.

Must remember to lock the door.
It’s happened many times before.
Intruders not meaning to intrude
Have no way to gauge the mood.

Pluck me from inside to out.
Shocked and startled, I always shout.
And watch in sadness and in pain
As babes of angels flow down the drain.