Into This Funk August 24, 2010

For no damn good reason
Or maybe lots
My head feels heavy
like it’s jammed with rocks.

Anxiousness
rises up in waves
One of those mornings
turns into one of those days.

What has me unsettled,
out of place?
My head in a vice?
My pulse in a race?

Into this funk
I have sunk.
Stomach sick,
full of junk.

I pray to God
Please ease my mind
Lead me back to peace
It would be most kind.

I sense His answer
loud and clear.
But it’s not exactly
what I wanted to hear.

It’s not going to be
a quick escape.
He won’t swoop me away,
wrapped in His cape.

The unruly feelings
I’ve shoved away
Expect to be acknowledged
On this very day.

The longer I decide
they shouldn’t exist,
the more deeply they’ll settle
in my body like this.

Yet His voice is warm
and reassuring
Seeking to cast out
needless fears I’m enduring.

It won’t be as scary
as I have imagined.
My feelings can’t swallow me
like a cold, dark cavern.

I can feel each feeling
to the fullest extent
Without guilt, or shame,
Or embarrassment.

And He will be with me
as I let them flow.
No feeling that comes up
could make it not so.

I laugh at my tricks
as my prayers go a new way
…Please help me to trust
in all that You say….

Successfully leading
my thoughts astray.
Distraction’s a good tactic
to keep feelings at bay.

The Onion April 1, 2010

Long, long ago
While lost in my garden
A bit of white showed
Where the earth had hardened.

I picked at the dirt
And was surprised to find
An onion had grown there
Apparently mine.

Peeling the onion
Made me cry and hurt
So I buried it again
And ran from the earth.

But life follows a path
That seems to spiral and wind
And it leads me back to the garden
To my onion to find.

Many times when I’ve been there
I have felt so strong
And I’ve dug and I’ve peeled
Until I was sure it was gone.

But my garden must be perfect
For that onion to grow
Because every time I return there
It’s back in the hole.

And there’s the innermost layer
That always I see
The part I set aside
And just let it be.

What would happen
If I went down that path
And peeled apart the heart
Of that onion at last?

I think I just might die
Or at least that’s my fear
Maybe that keeps my onion
In my garden, near and dear.

Without the onion,
Who would I be?
My whole life out of whack
Or finally free?

The truth I don’t think
I ever will know
It sounds so impossible
To just make it go.

As much as it hurts
The prick, burn, and tears
I have held this onion
For all these years.

I’ll keep peeling the layers
A little at a time
But the heart of the onion
Wants to always be mine.

Sticking With Me March 30, 2010

In bed all alone
but not by myself
Evil spirits rise up
with cunning and stealth

The dark night hauls out
memories unbidden
to hold me tight for the ride
I have too many times ridden.

Hot tears rolling cold
into my ears
what I don’t want to see
and don’t want to hear

Stupid fucking tears
cried too many times
for too many years.

Stupid fucking hurt
I’d long since thought
was tapped into dirt

But you insist
on being my friend
sticking with me
until the end.

Like deep etched lines
on hands and face
miracle cures
cannot erase
the effects of the sun
or your hot embrace.

Mantras move my mouth
Despair can’t sink its teeth in
I am not a child.
I am not a victim.

I am powerful.
I am strong.
God help me be that
as I try to move along.

Deconstruction Zone March 15, 2010

Desolate.

Desperate as silent hulking machines
left to stare in shock and disbelief
at the destructive scene.

Massive piles of turned up earth
red and bloody
with roots exposed and shredded trunks
of mangled trees.

Unable to move, wondering
just what have they done
would it have turned out differently
if only someone
had been behind the wheel

Instead of me.

Mirror of Regret February 27, 2010

Permanent residence
in the Land of Regret
a life of misery
sure to be led.
I get it, I get it
the uselessness
of living to regret it.

Binge thinking
does serious damage
same as drinking
round after round
why I said what I said
or did what I did.

But
(always there’s a but with me)
Deep reflection often is clearer
When I can see
through the mirror
of regret.

Give me a minute
before with cliches
you tell me to quit it.

I want to embrace the despair
before being cut off
you think it’s guilty pleasure
the tears and the sobs
but it’s how I connect
with pain I’ve caused.

Don’t rush me
to forgive
and to forget
my every mistake,
every misstep.

I know the past
is done and gone
but there are lessons
to learn
and bring along.

I can feel regret
without becoming a wreck
I can reflect on the past
and chart a new path
while being present
here for every second.

Can’t I?

Becoming Whole February 26, 2010

Becoming whole
The path of the soul

a lofty dream
because it seems
the richness of life
the joys and the sorrows
the loves and the strife
are sharpest felt
most clearly seen
around the holes
and in betweens.

Holes left, holes made
Holes filled, holes gave

Through them we grow,
I suppose
Becoming whole

When the Cards Stopped Coming February 11, 2010

I remember
When the cards stopped coming
And people no longer asked
How are you doing
With care and concern
Behind gentle eyes running

Everyone was already
Moving on
But I’m still reeling
I can’t believe you’re gone.

Like with new life
I counted the days
Then weeks and months
Now years pass away

No less painful
Just held at bay.
Afraid to let myself go there
Sure my strength will fray.

Alone I’ll be left
Wrapped snuggly in sorrow
No shoulders to cry on
Or carefree tomorrows.

Because everyone else
Has already moved on
But I’m still feeling
I can’t believe you’re gone.

I hear all the words
Spoken and not
Meant to console
But missing the spot.

No longer in pain
Not really gone
Memories to comfort
Life goes on.

With guilt and shame
I pretend its okay
In my dreams I’ll see you
Each night I pray.

Bruises December 21, 2009

Bruises have a way

Of showing up on me
In places I don’t even
Expect them to be.
How do I get hurt
So easily
When I’m not even aware
At the time of injury?

Angry and tender
The purple spot flares
And somehow I keep
Getting hit right there.

Slowly, so slowly
The bruises fade.
Gone from my skin
But still seen from within.
On my heart they remain.
A multi-colored rainbow
Self-contained.

A promise beauty
Can come after pain.

Unnamed December 21, 2009

I think about you all the time.
Can you feel it?
I wonder, do you wish I didn’t?

The pitiful part is
That would be better
Than what I sense is more true to the letter

I never even cross your mind.

Honestly December 21, 2009

Tell me.
Let it slip.
Are you honest
in this relationship?

Time to come clean.
Maybe this much you have gleaned.
Open I am not.
I withhold a lot.

Mostly what I think
you don’t want to hear.
I’m so afraid
you’ll just disappear.

Probably it’s not fair
to expect more than what I give.
Some things you won’t share.
I’m not the only one with a sieve.

I really wish I knew
what doesn’t make it through.
I worry the connection
through which I feel fed
does not hold your affection
and empties you instead.

These words from my past
gave my soul quite a blast.
And make me so certain
you want to close the curtain.

I see through your cover.
You’re such a fake.
Soon others will discover
and from you make a break.

I love you
‘cuz I have to,
but I don’t like you very much.

How am I to recover
from these injuries I clutch?

I’m hopeful love and time
Can lift away the grime.

Don’t sever the cord
or loosen the tie.
The distance between us
already makes me want to cry.

I promise to try harder
To trust and let it flow
As long as on this journey
with me you’ll always go.