The Mending is Slow July 18, 2010

Taken by surprise
All these tears left to cry.
After all this time
I don’t understand why.

A bizarre time warp
I feel all the same ways
When grief came in waves
day after day.

Two years sounds so short
or maybe long?
It really doesn’t matter.
Either way, he’s gone.

Gone, gone, gone.

I desperately wish
for one more kiss
one more hug
and an “I love you, Sis.”

I want to believe
I’ll see him again
and we’ll rush to each other
like long lost friends.

Maybe it will happen.
I don’t know.
But today my heart breaks
and the mending is slow.

I love you, Dad
and I miss you so.

Deconstruction Zone March 15, 2010

Desolate.

Desperate as silent hulking machines
left to stare in shock and disbelief
at the destructive scene.

Massive piles of turned up earth
red and bloody
with roots exposed and shredded trunks
of mangled trees.

Unable to move, wondering
just what have they done
would it have turned out differently
if only someone
had been behind the wheel

Instead of me.

When the Cards Stopped Coming February 11, 2010

I remember
When the cards stopped coming
And people no longer asked
How are you doing
With care and concern
Behind gentle eyes running

Everyone was already
Moving on
But I’m still reeling
I can’t believe you’re gone.

Like with new life
I counted the days
Then weeks and months
Now years pass away

No less painful
Just held at bay.
Afraid to let myself go there
Sure my strength will fray.

Alone I’ll be left
Wrapped snuggly in sorrow
No shoulders to cry on
Or carefree tomorrows.

Because everyone else
Has already moved on
But I’m still feeling
I can’t believe you’re gone.

I hear all the words
Spoken and not
Meant to console
But missing the spot.

No longer in pain
Not really gone
Memories to comfort
Life goes on.

With guilt and shame
I pretend its okay
In my dreams I’ll see you
Each night I pray.

This Fort January 13, 2010

We built this fort
with all the
energy and optimism
of youthful sport.

A solid foundation
well-laid out
Precise execution
absent of doubt.

It would be the best
there’s ever been!

But we grew tired
And the cold crept in.

Numb and weary
we ditched the plan
Throwing on the layers
as fast as we can.

Certain we’ll
go back later
To fill in the gaps
and empty craters.

On we went
with the rest of our lives
Leaving the fort
on it’s own to survive.

And though we thought
all remained the same
It seems somehow
so much had changed

Imperceptibly,
a little at a time,
It twisted and fell
into yours and mine.

Now here I stand
in the dark, alone
A bit of a stranger
in this place called home.

Clearly I see
that solid foundation
But the mess on top
pricks my eyes with frustration.

I wrestle with the demons
Which ones tell the lie?
Best to start all over-
this can’t be built too high.
Or it’s strong and sturdy,
only slightly awry.

Either way, I pray
my faith will grow stronger
Because I can’t look
any longer
at what used to be
should be, could be
may be.

Turning away
with a silent sigh
kept inside
the tears not cried.
Even with a fort
some things still die.

In the Dead of Winter January 10, 2010

Blinding, brilliant sun
Bursting forth from Heaven
Brightest. bluest sky
In the dead of winter.

Transforming, purifying
the frozen landscape
long buried under mountains
of cold truth’s escape.

Remembering
there is no such thing
as the end.
Through God’s love
forever and ever
we transcend.

The Beginning of Winter December 21, 2009

I open my eyes
And the first I see
Is the greyest sky
And black barren trees.

So cold and desolate
I wonder, desperate
Are they really just dormant
Life strong, deep inside?

Or actually dead
Empty and dry.

Drifting Away December 21, 2009

I love the feeling
As I drift away
After coaxing my consciousness
To quietly lay.

Outwardly expanding
Filling the space
Free to explore
In the other place.

I wonder if it will be like that
When I die.
The final escape
With a long lovely sigh.

Or will I forget
When I come to that day.
And struggle instead
In my mind to stay.