I am mesmerized.

And cold.
I long to be at the ocean
Sunshine warming me
to my very soul.

Warm waves of the ocean
Crash outside my window
Sand pelts the glass…

Oh, how I wish this could be so.

But my Indiana house
Up on the hill
Leans into winter
Creaking, complaining, the roof and the sill.

I feel the same creak
Complain through my bones
Tired of winter
Just like my home.

So again I’ll close my eyes
Try to drift off to sleep
To the sweet sound of the ocean
By the wind in the trees.

But it roared all night
Through my darkened dreams
Disturbing and fierce
A relentless scream.

I ran and I hid
A long tunnel with no light
A train rushing toward me
Always out of sight.

Suddenly it quiets
At 6:30 in the morn’
I sigh with relief
It’s the end of the storm.

The hum of the silence
Is loud in my ears
My body aches from the hours
Of wrestling my fears.

Like Jacob, I awaken
With new vision, a new eye
And I wonder what my name is
After this windswept night.

Leave it lie
Don’t breathe it in
Layer upon layer
My old skin.

Mostly I don’t see it
Grey on brown
Slowly building
Without a sound.

So much effort
Keeping up the shine
Without thinking
I turn an eye blind.

Kind of comforting
The softened lines
Like a bad habit
A familiar grime.

Usually a visit
From some out-of-town guest
Will open my eyes
To my stale and tired mess.

In a burst of energy
I’ll wipe it clean
But then my throat itches
And I wheeze and sneeze.

And why even try?
It just comes back
Covering today -
The remains of the past.

please

grateful for the arms of sleep
that hold me close, pull me deep
and when the day begins anew
again I wake, and ache for you.

Once awake
I can’t fall back asleep
I sink into my thoughts
Long and deep.

The fire is hot
But only on one side
The rest, cold and dark
Barely alive.

Conflicting wants,
Competing desires
Might I be consumed
If I lit all those fires?

Isn’t it greedy
To want to have it all?
Shouldn’t I feel grateful
And ignore the call?

Enough is not enough?
Surely that’s my fault
Get it together, girl
Make this yearning halt.

But I keep adding fuel
To the one small fire
Flames burning hotter
Higher and higher.

Crackle, sparks fly
Pop, embers thrown
Seeking to escape
Its contained little home.

Suddenly I realize
The woodpile’s getting smaller
I’ve used it up too fast
And I’m not any warmer.

Somehow that fire
Needs to come from inside
Behind every wall
Where I like to hide.

Not through my children or job
Or in the arms of a man
Will I truly discover
The fire that I am.

This moment of clarity
Feels really good to me.

Still, I haven’t a clue
What, exactly, should I do??

Pitch black
Starry sky
Fire light flashes
When I close my eyes
Punctuates the thoughts
Rolling through my mind.

Quiet night
Nature sounds
All the crickets sing
And leaves rustle ’round
Here the small, still voice
I have found.

Sweet cloves
Cinnamon stars
My mouth waters
From the taste
In my heart
For the moment content
Right where we are.

October smells
Crisp and comforting
Fresh like apple cider
And sun-baked leaves
The steam of hot coffee
And things once green.

Days of Summer
In the Fall
Take my breath away
And cushion it all
Joy whispers softly
Yet I hear the call.

A new love grows
Deep in my heart
For this Autumn
Has had a gentle start
Easing the loss
As Summer departs.

Seeking for more
Than just to survive
Soaring and reaching
For sun and sky.

The rest of the trees
Crowd with their leaves
The branches and vines
Became tangled with time.

You could move that tree
To stand in glory on its own
But it might not make it
Without the roots it had grown.

And behind it would leave
A deep, dark hole
The forest less than it was
When it was whole.

But forests have a way
Of filling in the gaps
When individual trees
Fall and collapse.

So it might be
The forest will thrive
While the tree on its own
Will struggle to survive.

A map with no roads
Or destination
Filled with detours
And miles of frustration.

Still I keep driving
Never running out of gas
In pursuit of the dream
Days in a blur pass.

Is it enough?
You continually ask.
Better than nothin’
Is the best answer I have.